This Ain't A Fairy Tale

There aren't many things that you can count on in this world, but there are two questions that I can count on being asked nearly every day at work. The first is whether or not my name is actually "Lizabeth", which it is. The second is if I am from Oklahoma, which I am not. When I tell people that I'm from San Diego they are always curious how I ended up here. Sometimes, I myself find it surprising that I am so far from the golden coast, and that I have been for three and a half years.

When I was sixteen years old I found out that my family would be moving to Oklahoma. This news was not softened by the fact that this was our duty as a military family, or that we hadn't previously had any big moves. What my parents didn't understand was that for the first time in my life I felt that I had found a group of people that I belonged to. My friends at that time were people that I wanted to know for the rest of my life, we lived two miles from the beach, and there was a gorgeous cherry tree directly outside of my bedroom window. I'm not trying to glamorize California living, I had the same problems that any teenager has, but I remember having a sense of home there. Adjusting to life in rural Oklahoma when you are used to life in a laid back, liberal beach town was just as hard as you might imagine. The fact that this move took place just as my Senior year was beginning did not make it any easier. My classmates were people that had spent their entire lives together. I went from walking half a mile to school each morning, to riding a bus with kids ages four to nineteen. People at Dibble High School were welcoming and kind. I felt grateful to become a part of such a close knit community, but at the same time I never felt that I truly belonged there. Even though I met a lot of really nice people, I never made any long lasting friendships. I didn't hang out with people outside of school, and I felt like an outsider because, frankly, I was one.

That fall our class went to a college fair. Most of the schools that had booths there were small or community colleges. All of my classmates and the people that I saw there were excited about these Oklahoma schools. It didn't make any sense to me, and I thought it was sad that they didn't have any aspiration or even think it a possibility to go to college out of state. All that I could think of was how much I wanted to get out of Oklahoma. I felt certain that if I went to college here that I would get stuck. Flash forward to today and here I am in Stillwater, Oklahoma in my third year at Oklahoma State University. I applied to eight schools my Senior year. I was accepted to five and wait listed at another. I could have gone to school in Boston, New York, Michigan, or Iowa, but somehow I ended up here. For the past couple of years I have felt remorse at my decision, partly because it was based in fear of the unknown. Today I'm not completely sure how I feel about it. The life that I'm living is not everything I ever dreamed of. It isn't what I expected. It doesn't look like an eighties movie or an ABC Family sitcom. It isn't a fairy tale that wraps up in "happily ever after". Prince Charming doesn't show up at the exact right moment riding a big white horse. In fact, he might not show up at all.

Moving to Oklahoma was never a part of my plan, and choosing to stay was never a choice that I expected to make, but for better or worse here I stand. I'm trying to find myself here, and find my place in this crazy world. I now have some amazing people that I am so happy to have in my life, that I might have never known some place else. Living in the Bible belt has brought me closer to God, and oddly has made me more liberal than I was in California. I know that I'm still very young, and that I still have a lot to learn, but my faith is strong, and I believe that God has a plan for me; for us all. I may not see the point of it all now, but I know that there is a higher purpose, and that He has something incredible in store for me.

All My Secrets Away

It's five o' clock in the morning, and I know that I should be asleep, but I can't seem to get my mind to turn off. I have been telling myself for a very long time that I am going to change. I always say, "Today's the day I start my life." I am twenty years old, and for twenty years I have been dead. For twenty years I have tried, and often succeeded in concealing my depression and anxiety. In this moment I am making a step towards progress; towards change. I'm not saying this is when my life is going to begin. I'm not saying that it's going to be easy, or that it will magically be different over night, but here in this moment I am choosing to put everything out on the table. Okay. I have to be honest, I probably won't put everything on the table, because after all I'm only human.

The truth is, as I have said before, I am struggling. I try not to talk about things that bother me with my friends and family because I don't want anyone to worry about me. I think that I do more than enough worrying for all of us. I've spent years just thinking about how badly I have fucked up my life, and in the process things have only gotten worse. Probably because I haven't really done all that much to make any real substantial changes. I'm not sure that I know how to change. I have had tunnel vision for such a long time that it's hard to think of any other way of living. I believe in my heart that I want to change, I just have to find a way to do that. I just have to find a way to let go of my past and look towards the future. I suppose that the best way to do that is to be truly open and honest and admit some things that I am not very proud of.

College has been a constant struggle for me. My brain does not turn off at night, instead it goes on a crazy hunt for the meaning of life and just keeps rambling on and on and on... Each night I seem to end up staying up even later than the night before. There have been times that I haven't gone to bed until the sun has started to come up. During most of my first two years of college I spent my late nights awake watching TV and eating. During my freshman year I ate several cartons of Ben & Jerry's ice cream a week. I indulged in pizza rolls and potato skins. Anything that I could easily make in the microwave in our dorm room I ate. In doing so I gained thirty pounds, if not more, in about the time span of a semester. I have made some improvements since then. I don't eat nearly as much as I did then, however too often I end up having full meals at midnight, even one o' clock in the morning. I guess it's a pretty common reason for obesity. I ate because I was bored, or because I was sad, or both, or neither. Because I ate I got fatter, and because I was fat I was sad, and so I ate some more. I also stopped going to class because I couldn't wake up in the mornings. I would sleep for eleven hours sometimes, and still it wasn't enough sleep. Again, in this I have made some improvements, but I am in no way doing the best that I possibly could be.

I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I feel like I'm falling apart. I feel horribly guilty for feeling this way, because I know that there are plenty of people in this world who have it a lot worse than I do. I think I just have to keep telling myself to take it all one day at a time. One step at a time..