Honest Today

Depression is not one thing. Depression is complicated and constantly changing. Today my monster is extremely irritable. Today overhearing conversations that are simple and commonplace make me want to scream. Today eyerolls are my weapon of choice. Today mood swings are killing me. Today I want to scream. Today I want to cry. Today I want to bash my head against a wall. Today I know that there is no magic cure because even all of the good things of today cannot make the frustration dissapear. Today is not my day. So no depression, you have not won. But I'm not going to fight you anymore today. I'm going to hide in my room and fall asleep early and hope you for a better tomorrow.

For better; for worse

Hi! I'm Liz.. Maybe you know me, or maybe this is the first time you've ever heard of me. This blog is for me, to share, to vent, to journal my life experiences. This is not my first post here, but life has changed in some big ways since my last entry. I just turned twenty-four; I'm not a little girl anymore, although sometimes I feel like a teenager still. I'm getting married in just twenty-four days to a man that I absolutely love and adore. He is isn't perfect, but God knows neither am I. I can't imagine my life without him, he is the best thing in my life and I am so excited that I get to marry my best friend.

 2015 has been a huge year for Andy and I so far. In January I went back to school after a three year break, and I began going to counseling for my anxiety and depression. In February we adopted a beagle-mix puppy who has turned our lives and hearts inside-out. Charlie is the sweetest, most ridiculous, non-stop growing little big man we could have ever asked for. Just a few weeks later Andy proposed on his 27th birthday, and I happily accepted. This summer Andy left his manager role at Panera Bread and accepted a position at OSU's bursar's office. In these past few months we have been able to spend more time together than we had in our entire relationship. In August we celebrated our three year anniversary, and now our wedding is just around the corner. All of these changes have been exciting and wonderful, but they have also been overwhelming at times. I find myself battling my depression on a daily basis. Sometimes it feels like I am fighting for my life. Sometimes everything feels like far too much to bear. A few of the things that I have struggling with lately are motivation, extreme fatigue, whether or not to change my name once Andy and I are married, and what I should do with my life.. to name a few.

I've been feeling really lost lately. When I'm feeling this way I cope by avoiding. I pretend that everything is fine and I literally ignore my problems. I completely shut down and rather than work to make things better I do all that I can not to think about what is wrong. I've done this so much in past and it has only been a disservice to myself. It's led me to not-so-wonderful financial situations, it's led me to fail classes, and it's probably hurt some relationships too. I don't want to be that person anymore. I want to be stronger than my depression. I want to fight. I refuse to stand still. Even when things are difficult. And all of this positivity may sound like happy-go-lucky crap but I really mean it. No matter how many times I have tried and failed in the past. I want to do better, and I believe that I can. For better; for worse. I'm taking these vows in less than a month to my soon to be husband, but today I am vowing to myself. This is my life, and I have to keep fighting for it.. for better; for worse.