Honest Today

Depression is not one thing. Depression is complicated and constantly changing. Today my monster is extremely irritable. Today overhearing conversations that are simple and commonplace make me want to scream. Today eyerolls are my weapon of choice. Today mood swings are killing me. Today I want to scream. Today I want to cry. Today I want to bash my head against a wall. Today I know that there is no magic cure because even all of the good things of today cannot make the frustration dissapear. Today is not my day. So no depression, you have not won. But I'm not going to fight you anymore today. I'm going to hide in my room and fall asleep early and hope you for a better tomorrow.

For better; for worse

Hi! I'm Liz.. Maybe you know me, or maybe this is the first time you've ever heard of me. This blog is for me, to share, to vent, to journal my life experiences. This is not my first post here, but life has changed in some big ways since my last entry. I just turned twenty-four; I'm not a little girl anymore, although sometimes I feel like a teenager still. I'm getting married in just twenty-four days to a man that I absolutely love and adore. He is isn't perfect, but God knows neither am I. I can't imagine my life without him, he is the best thing in my life and I am so excited that I get to marry my best friend.

 2015 has been a huge year for Andy and I so far. In January I went back to school after a three year break, and I began going to counseling for my anxiety and depression. In February we adopted a beagle-mix puppy who has turned our lives and hearts inside-out. Charlie is the sweetest, most ridiculous, non-stop growing little big man we could have ever asked for. Just a few weeks later Andy proposed on his 27th birthday, and I happily accepted. This summer Andy left his manager role at Panera Bread and accepted a position at OSU's bursar's office. In these past few months we have been able to spend more time together than we had in our entire relationship. In August we celebrated our three year anniversary, and now our wedding is just around the corner. All of these changes have been exciting and wonderful, but they have also been overwhelming at times. I find myself battling my depression on a daily basis. Sometimes it feels like I am fighting for my life. Sometimes everything feels like far too much to bear. A few of the things that I have struggling with lately are motivation, extreme fatigue, whether or not to change my name once Andy and I are married, and what I should do with my life.. to name a few.

I've been feeling really lost lately. When I'm feeling this way I cope by avoiding. I pretend that everything is fine and I literally ignore my problems. I completely shut down and rather than work to make things better I do all that I can not to think about what is wrong. I've done this so much in past and it has only been a disservice to myself. It's led me to not-so-wonderful financial situations, it's led me to fail classes, and it's probably hurt some relationships too. I don't want to be that person anymore. I want to be stronger than my depression. I want to fight. I refuse to stand still. Even when things are difficult. And all of this positivity may sound like happy-go-lucky crap but I really mean it. No matter how many times I have tried and failed in the past. I want to do better, and I believe that I can. For better; for worse. I'm taking these vows in less than a month to my soon to be husband, but today I am vowing to myself. This is my life, and I have to keep fighting for it.. for better; for worse.

Winning and Losing

It seems as though I've "began again" a million times. It's been almost a year since I last posted saying that things would be different this time. Since then I've gained twenty pounds, and I'm now the heaviest I've ever been. I have to travel a lot for work now and that certainly did not help me on my journey to wellness.

I have a problem. I love to eat. When I'm sad, when I'm happy, and even when I'm bored. I like to eat fruits and vegetables, cheese, bread, and ice cream. It doesn't really matter what. Sometimes it doesn't even have to taste good. Sometimes I just need something to do with my hands, or something to chew on. I can't just do one thing at once. Eating is a very easy way to keep busy. This has always been a problem for me, but when your job is paying for you to eat out, and you're too tired to cook when you get home from work, well that doesn't help.

So here's the deal I'm going to start losing weight again. Note that I did not say "trying to lose weight again". I know, I know I've said this a million times before. I am not going to claim that this time is different I'm not going to say this is the time that counts. I 'm just going to do it. Day in, day out. I'm going to work my ass off, literally. I don't care that I've said all of this before. None of that matters. What matters is here and now. I am strong and I am capable. This is about more than vanity. This is about my health and my sanity. This is about doing what is best for me, and for my family. This is about fighting. This is about surviving this awful disease called depression. This is for me. I can do this. I will do this. I am stronger than you could ever know.

So here's the plan:
I currently weigh 276.6 pounds. My goal is to weigh 215 pounds by April 17, 2015. This gives me 49 weeks to lose 61.6 pounds. At 255 pounds I'll reward myself with a mini make-up shopping spree. At 235 I'll reward myself with a new wallet. At my goal weight (obviously) I'll buy new clothes! As a little bonus Andy promised if I lose 60 pounds that he will get a tattoo!

I think that one of the reasons I've had trouble in the past because my goals have always felt just out of reach. I'm a big girl. I always have been, and I always will be. Trying to get down to 165 pounds is not a reasonable goal for me at this time. I need to begin to love and accept my body the way that it is. I want to get to a healthier weight, but I do not need to be a stick figure. I am curvy, and that is just fine. I want to have a healthy body that can move with ease. That is my goal here. Will I sometimes make mistakes? Of course I will. Will I sometimes eat an entire pint of Ben and Jerry's? Probably. That's okay. As long as I remember that one misstep does not equal failure. Taking a day off from exercise does not mean that I should stop. I am going to keep moving forward. I am going to keep fighting. I will never give up. This is my life, and it is worth living. I have lots of big plans for the next year, and I am not going to let my weight get in the way of any of my plans.

Beginning Again

For the first time in my adult life I feel a sense of stability. My boyfriend and I are living together, I have a job as a teller with my bank, and recently, after years of struggling with depression, I decided to seek help. I spoke with my doctor, and she gave me a prescription for Escitalopram (generic for Lexapro). I have not been diagnosed with depression, and I have not yet spoken to a therapist about my problems, but I started taking my prescription last month. So far it seems to be helping. I feel like my mood is generally more stable, but sometimes I still feel anxious and overwhelmed.

When I was a teenager I thought that having a boyfriend would fix all of my problems. I thought that if someone else loved me that nothing else would matter. Now that I am an adult, I know how naive I was. As wonderful as my relationship is, my issues with food have not been magically healed by having a boyfriend. Time after time I have pledged to lose weight. I have made plans, I have set goals, I have vowed to revamp my entire life. Time after time I have failed. Now I feel that I am finally ready to commit to making a change. I know that my weight loss journey will never be easy, but I believe that I will be successful in my endeavor with the love and support of my friends, my family, and most importantly my God.

I currently weigh 258.6 lbs. My goal is to lose 93.6 lbs. over 40 weeks beginning July 21. I plan to lose 3.6 lbs. per week during the first four weeks, then 1.8 lbs. each following week.

August 18 244.2 lbs.              Get an ActiveLink Activity Monitor,

                                                    and Hand Weights

September 15 229.8 lbs.        Get a Food Scale, Oil Sprayer,

                                                    and Salad Dressing Cruet

October 13 215.4 lbs.            Get Heart Tattoo

November 10 201 lbs.           Get a Mani-Pedi

December 8 193.8 lbs.          Get Dad Tattoo

January 5 186.6 lbs.              Get a New Wallet

February 2 179.4 lbs.            Get a New Purse

March 2 172.2 lbs.                Get Key Tattoo

March 30 165 lbs.                 Get a New Wardrobe

I may re-work goals/ rewards until July 21. I will not receive rewards unless goals are met.

It's A New Dawn, It's A New Day

Welp, it's now 2013, and if you're reading this congratulations because you've survived the apocalypse. I wonder how many more times in my life the world will be predicted to end. I guess it just goes to show that life goes on. You never know what might happen because everything is constantly moving and changing. This life is unpredictable!

If you had asked me where I'd be today a year ago I would have been completely off base. I could never have guessed that 2012 would be the most dynamic year of my life so far. It held the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I gained a friendship that I had once lost, and never expected to rekindle. I decided to officially take a break from school and work full time. I joined weight watchers, and lost over thirty pounds. I had my first kiss. I fell in love for the first time. I felt happier than I thought was possible. Then I experienced my first real heartbreak, one that I was certain I would never get over. I left Panera for a better paying desk job at a bank. And thank God I did, because then I met Andy. Sure we had already known each other as coworkers, but we didn't really know each other until then. Things with us moved quickly, and shortly thereafter I found that I had my first real boyfriend, and all of the wonderful firsts that come along with that. I turned twenty one, and I fell in love. I introduced a boy to my family for the first time. I got to experience the nerves that come along with meeting a boyfriend's mom for the first time. Fortunately my family loves Andy, and I love his! I spent my first holiday with a boyfriend, away from my family. I gained back all of the weight I'd lost. I decided to (when financially possible) go back to school and teach Kindergarten. And, here's the big one, for the first time I was told by the person that I am in love with that he loves me too. And I've had a million crazy, funny, and wonderful moments in between.

This year held a lot of pain for me, but also so much joy. In looking back the good far overshadowed the bad. I am so grateful for all of the blessings that God has graced me with this past year, and I am so looking forward to what this next year holds in store for me. Beginning today I hope to start living a cleaner, healthier lifestyle. I hope to strengthen my relationship with God, as well as my relationships with friends, family, and my wonderful boyfriend. I hope to move forward with my education and my future career. It's scary knowing that my roomie of three years will be leaving me this year, but I know that we will be lifelong friends. Everything seems to be falling into place, if not the way I might have imagined. God has big plans for me, and I am looking forward to His map being revealed to me piece by piece in the coming months.

All For Naught?

Sometimes in life everything feels like a waste of time. I too often wonder to myself about the point of it all. I feel useless, and helpless, and broken. I'm not sure how I got this way, although I suppose maybe it's something that has always been. My life feels out of my hands. It's as though my life is something that is just happening to me rather than something I have control over.

I know that I am blessed. I think that's what keeps me going each day. I know there are plenty of people out there that struggle for the basic necessities like food and water and shelter. I know that in the grand scheme of things I have absolutely no right to be unhappy. And yet... I am. I hate feeling this way, but slowly I am coming to realize that it isn't something that I can just get over.

Last week Andy was sick with a pretty awful bacterial infection. I brought him medicine and did my best to comfort him while he was feeling badly. He finally ended up going to the doctor for a second time and getting a steroid shot which seemed to make him feel better. That day I went over his house to continue babying my sick bear, but he ended up taking care of me instead. It had been a rough week for me. Nothing particularly atrocious had happened. It was just the culmination of too many hormones and too much thinking. We drove to the pharmacy to get his medicine and I was a mess in the car. He was straight up with me, telling me that I have severe mood swings and that it's pretty obvious that I have depression. He reminded me that it's not something I can control it's my head, and that I need to get help. I know this is something I have been talking about for a while, but I guess I have yet to seek help because that means I am admitting that I really have a problem. In truth I'm afraid of what a psychologist might tell me. I wonder if my problems are more serious than I know.

I hope that someday soon I will be strong enough to seek the help that I so desperately need. Until then I am fortunate enough to have an amazing boyfriend that holds me when I cry, incredible friends that put up with my incessant whining, and a wonderful family that stands behind me no matter what mistakes I make. God has blessed my life so completely. I wonder how I can possibly be depressed. I have prayed for so long for strength, and I know that He is only making me stronger. I know that He loves me more than I can ever know, and I am so thankful for that.

You Win Some; You Lose Some

It's crazy how much and how quickly everything can change. I feel like a totally different person from the last time that I updated. In the last few months I have gotten a new "grown up" job, started dating an incredible person that makes me so happy every single day, turned twenty one, and I have also gained about twenty pounds. I have good days and bad days as far as my emotions go. I think the good days are coming around more often as each day goes by. I  know that I am incredibly blessed in this life, although sometimes it can feel impossible. It's so totally crazy how different things are now. At the beginning of this year I had never even had a real kiss, and now I'm in a relatively serious relationship with someone that I truly care for, and that cares for me just as much. I've met his mom; he's met most of my family, and we see each other almost every day. I can't believe how truly blessed I am to have found someone so amazing, especially in a time in my life that was so full of turmoil.

To put it in some perspective for those of you that don't know, we met at Panera. He's an assistant manager there and we worked together for a while. I got a full time job with Stillwater National Bank as a document imaging clerk, and put in my two weeks notice immediately. On my last day at Panera he asked me for number and the rest I guess is history. I never expected us. I wasn't looking for a relationship at all. My heart was still pretty broken from the last time, and I didn't think that I could handle it again. I remember very specifically on my first day of work my supervisor asked me if I was married or had a boyfriend. When I said no she said, "You aren't looking for mister right, are you?" I answered with a definite "No, not right now." I was so certain... and so I was so wrong. I think sometimes God makes things like this happen for pure entertainment value.

As far as the rest of my life goes it's been just okay. I was really excited about my new job when I started, but I don't feel fulfilled. It's definitely not a forever sort of job. I'm still looking for that certain something that fills me with passion and excitement. I know there's something out there waiting for me; I just have to find it. My eating habits have been atrocious since I started this job. I weighed myself this morning at 236.4 pounds. I am totally disgusted with that number. I re-joined weight watchers and I refuse to look back. It's beyond the point of being unacceptable and I will no longer stand for it. I also started working on my bedroom today. It has been in shambles for the better part of this year and it is hindering any and all of my productivity. I can't function when everything around me is in such a state of disarray. I know that it's going to take a long time to pull myself back together, but I am in a better place now than I have been for a long time. I feel myself getting excited for the future again and that feels nice. I won't give up; I won't back down. I'm ready to start this journey again, and I realize that there will be bumps in road, but I will power through. When I stop for a moment and look around I remember that I have a pretty spectacular support system that I so thankful for. I know that they won't let me fall.

My God is with me always, and if my God is with me whom then shall I fear?