All For Naught?

Sometimes in life everything feels like a waste of time. I too often wonder to myself about the point of it all. I feel useless, and helpless, and broken. I'm not sure how I got this way, although I suppose maybe it's something that has always been. My life feels out of my hands. It's as though my life is something that is just happening to me rather than something I have control over.

I know that I am blessed. I think that's what keeps me going each day. I know there are plenty of people out there that struggle for the basic necessities like food and water and shelter. I know that in the grand scheme of things I have absolutely no right to be unhappy. And yet... I am. I hate feeling this way, but slowly I am coming to realize that it isn't something that I can just get over.

Last week Andy was sick with a pretty awful bacterial infection. I brought him medicine and did my best to comfort him while he was feeling badly. He finally ended up going to the doctor for a second time and getting a steroid shot which seemed to make him feel better. That day I went over his house to continue babying my sick bear, but he ended up taking care of me instead. It had been a rough week for me. Nothing particularly atrocious had happened. It was just the culmination of too many hormones and too much thinking. We drove to the pharmacy to get his medicine and I was a mess in the car. He was straight up with me, telling me that I have severe mood swings and that it's pretty obvious that I have depression. He reminded me that it's not something I can control it's my head, and that I need to get help. I know this is something I have been talking about for a while, but I guess I have yet to seek help because that means I am admitting that I really have a problem. In truth I'm afraid of what a psychologist might tell me. I wonder if my problems are more serious than I know.

I hope that someday soon I will be strong enough to seek the help that I so desperately need. Until then I am fortunate enough to have an amazing boyfriend that holds me when I cry, incredible friends that put up with my incessant whining, and a wonderful family that stands behind me no matter what mistakes I make. God has blessed my life so completely. I wonder how I can possibly be depressed. I have prayed for so long for strength, and I know that He is only making me stronger. I know that He loves me more than I can ever know, and I am so thankful for that.

You Win Some; You Lose Some

It's crazy how much and how quickly everything can change. I feel like a totally different person from the last time that I updated. In the last few months I have gotten a new "grown up" job, started dating an incredible person that makes me so happy every single day, turned twenty one, and I have also gained about twenty pounds. I have good days and bad days as far as my emotions go. I think the good days are coming around more often as each day goes by. I  know that I am incredibly blessed in this life, although sometimes it can feel impossible. It's so totally crazy how different things are now. At the beginning of this year I had never even had a real kiss, and now I'm in a relatively serious relationship with someone that I truly care for, and that cares for me just as much. I've met his mom; he's met most of my family, and we see each other almost every day. I can't believe how truly blessed I am to have found someone so amazing, especially in a time in my life that was so full of turmoil.

To put it in some perspective for those of you that don't know, we met at Panera. He's an assistant manager there and we worked together for a while. I got a full time job with Stillwater National Bank as a document imaging clerk, and put in my two weeks notice immediately. On my last day at Panera he asked me for number and the rest I guess is history. I never expected us. I wasn't looking for a relationship at all. My heart was still pretty broken from the last time, and I didn't think that I could handle it again. I remember very specifically on my first day of work my supervisor asked me if I was married or had a boyfriend. When I said no she said, "You aren't looking for mister right, are you?" I answered with a definite "No, not right now." I was so certain... and so I was so wrong. I think sometimes God makes things like this happen for pure entertainment value.

As far as the rest of my life goes it's been just okay. I was really excited about my new job when I started, but I don't feel fulfilled. It's definitely not a forever sort of job. I'm still looking for that certain something that fills me with passion and excitement. I know there's something out there waiting for me; I just have to find it. My eating habits have been atrocious since I started this job. I weighed myself this morning at 236.4 pounds. I am totally disgusted with that number. I re-joined weight watchers and I refuse to look back. It's beyond the point of being unacceptable and I will no longer stand for it. I also started working on my bedroom today. It has been in shambles for the better part of this year and it is hindering any and all of my productivity. I can't function when everything around me is in such a state of disarray. I know that it's going to take a long time to pull myself back together, but I am in a better place now than I have been for a long time. I feel myself getting excited for the future again and that feels nice. I won't give up; I won't back down. I'm ready to start this journey again, and I realize that there will be bumps in road, but I will power through. When I stop for a moment and look around I remember that I have a pretty spectacular support system that I so thankful for. I know that they won't let me fall.

My God is with me always, and if my God is with me whom then shall I fear?