When I started this blog I meant for it to be something that would become a big part of my life; I didn't mean to abandon it after only one post. As usual, life got in the way of my plans, but my eyes are starting to open now and I don't want to let this fall by the wayside anymore.
Being twenty isn't much different than being nineteen. Actually, it hasn't been different for me at all up until now. The last couple of months have been very rough on me. A friendship that I thought would last forever has ended, and I am still trying to deal with that loss. I can't say that either one of us is to blame. We reached an impasse and no matter how difficult it has been for me to accept I know that things can never go back to how they used to be. In the wake of this loss, however, I have been blessed enough to call someone new my best friend. Kylla is the kind of person that is always encouraging and supportive. We laugh together, get scared together, cry together. Ours is as unorthodox and inappropriate as a friendship can be, and am very thankful for that.
For some reason or another, I often find it difficult to sleep at night. My mind seems to think that bedtime is the appropriate time to contemplate all of the problems in the world. So instead of sleeping, I think. Last night I had a revelation of sorts, and I finally feel like I am moving in the right direction, like I know what God is calling me to do. I think that he has been calling for a while now, and that I let my own desires, and my fears stop me from listening. But I hear hear Him now. I am going to teach... kindergarten or maybe first grade. All of this time I have been thinking I'm a writer, so I have to write. I've been searching for something that would let me do it all, and this has been right under my nose all along. I love children more than I can even express, and I love writing as much as I love to breathe. With teaching I don't have to give up on anything. I'll have built in vacations. I'll never have to worry about spending time away from family on the Holidays and I can write pretty much the entire Summer. More importantly, I can teach little kids how to read, and introduce them to the magical world of books that has always played such a big role in my life. Who knows? Maybe I won't write the next great American novel... but maybe one of my students will! I want to be the person that inspires them. I want to be the teacher that they remember for the rest of their lives. This feels so right for me. I feel like I can finally breathe again. I feel like everything is changing and I am ready for it. I know that changing my major isn't going to be easy. I know that I'm going to have to make a lot of adjustments, but I know this is going to be worth it.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Growing Up Is Hard To Do
In ten short days I will be twenty: a real grown up; no longer able to hide behind the mask of adolescence. I am tired of letting my fears make my choices for me. This is my way of taking control- taking a leap of faith. I will be honest here. You might not always like the things that I have to say, but I am going to do my best to be true to myself. This is my life, and I am finally ready to start living it.
The truth is that I am struggling, and for as long as I can remember I have felt this way. My life hasn't been easy. I don't know anyone who has had an easy life and I'm not trying to compare my troubles to anyone else's, I just want to be truthful about my own experience. Everything in my life as of late has been complicated by my past. To put it simply I am unhappy more of the time than I'd like to admit, maybe even depressed. Most of the time it's hard for me to get up in the mornings which is why I've been struggling with school and work. My financial situation isn't the greatest right now, and a lot of that stems from me missing class and having to repay the VA for those classes. A few months ago I moved into an apartment with my roommate, Heather. Now I have real bills to pay and the responsibility is difficult to bear. When I was younger my parents always told me that I had no idea how hard life could be, and I guess, in a sense they were right. Being a teenager is hard, I will be the first to admit that, but being an adult is even harder. At sixteen my biggest concerns were passing AP World History and whether or not Connor Dunn had feelings for me. Now on top of school, family, friends, and the search for romance, I have to worry about work and whether or not I am going to make enough money this month to pay all of my bills. It is so unbelievably stressful, but I'm finding out the hard way that you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find you get what you need. I know that everything happens for a reason, even if I don't yet know what that reason is. God keeps showing me, day after day, that no matter how hard life gets it can always get worse. But somehow, incredibly, the things that I don't think I can handle, I can. As I approach this new stage in my life called adulthood God is showing me this incredible power and strength that I had no idea has been inside of me all of this time. Times are still tough, and I am still so afraid because I don't know how things are going to work out, but I believe that they will work out. I can do all things, through Christ who gives me strength.
The truth is that I am struggling, and for as long as I can remember I have felt this way. My life hasn't been easy. I don't know anyone who has had an easy life and I'm not trying to compare my troubles to anyone else's, I just want to be truthful about my own experience. Everything in my life as of late has been complicated by my past. To put it simply I am unhappy more of the time than I'd like to admit, maybe even depressed. Most of the time it's hard for me to get up in the mornings which is why I've been struggling with school and work. My financial situation isn't the greatest right now, and a lot of that stems from me missing class and having to repay the VA for those classes. A few months ago I moved into an apartment with my roommate, Heather. Now I have real bills to pay and the responsibility is difficult to bear. When I was younger my parents always told me that I had no idea how hard life could be, and I guess, in a sense they were right. Being a teenager is hard, I will be the first to admit that, but being an adult is even harder. At sixteen my biggest concerns were passing AP World History and whether or not Connor Dunn had feelings for me. Now on top of school, family, friends, and the search for romance, I have to worry about work and whether or not I am going to make enough money this month to pay all of my bills. It is so unbelievably stressful, but I'm finding out the hard way that you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find you get what you need. I know that everything happens for a reason, even if I don't yet know what that reason is. God keeps showing me, day after day, that no matter how hard life gets it can always get worse. But somehow, incredibly, the things that I don't think I can handle, I can. As I approach this new stage in my life called adulthood God is showing me this incredible power and strength that I had no idea has been inside of me all of this time. Times are still tough, and I am still so afraid because I don't know how things are going to work out, but I believe that they will work out. I can do all things, through Christ who gives me strength.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)