All For Naught?

Sometimes in life everything feels like a waste of time. I too often wonder to myself about the point of it all. I feel useless, and helpless, and broken. I'm not sure how I got this way, although I suppose maybe it's something that has always been. My life feels out of my hands. It's as though my life is something that is just happening to me rather than something I have control over.

I know that I am blessed. I think that's what keeps me going each day. I know there are plenty of people out there that struggle for the basic necessities like food and water and shelter. I know that in the grand scheme of things I have absolutely no right to be unhappy. And yet... I am. I hate feeling this way, but slowly I am coming to realize that it isn't something that I can just get over.

Last week Andy was sick with a pretty awful bacterial infection. I brought him medicine and did my best to comfort him while he was feeling badly. He finally ended up going to the doctor for a second time and getting a steroid shot which seemed to make him feel better. That day I went over his house to continue babying my sick bear, but he ended up taking care of me instead. It had been a rough week for me. Nothing particularly atrocious had happened. It was just the culmination of too many hormones and too much thinking. We drove to the pharmacy to get his medicine and I was a mess in the car. He was straight up with me, telling me that I have severe mood swings and that it's pretty obvious that I have depression. He reminded me that it's not something I can control it's my head, and that I need to get help. I know this is something I have been talking about for a while, but I guess I have yet to seek help because that means I am admitting that I really have a problem. In truth I'm afraid of what a psychologist might tell me. I wonder if my problems are more serious than I know.

I hope that someday soon I will be strong enough to seek the help that I so desperately need. Until then I am fortunate enough to have an amazing boyfriend that holds me when I cry, incredible friends that put up with my incessant whining, and a wonderful family that stands behind me no matter what mistakes I make. God has blessed my life so completely. I wonder how I can possibly be depressed. I have prayed for so long for strength, and I know that He is only making me stronger. I know that He loves me more than I can ever know, and I am so thankful for that.

You Win Some; You Lose Some

It's crazy how much and how quickly everything can change. I feel like a totally different person from the last time that I updated. In the last few months I have gotten a new "grown up" job, started dating an incredible person that makes me so happy every single day, turned twenty one, and I have also gained about twenty pounds. I have good days and bad days as far as my emotions go. I think the good days are coming around more often as each day goes by. I  know that I am incredibly blessed in this life, although sometimes it can feel impossible. It's so totally crazy how different things are now. At the beginning of this year I had never even had a real kiss, and now I'm in a relatively serious relationship with someone that I truly care for, and that cares for me just as much. I've met his mom; he's met most of my family, and we see each other almost every day. I can't believe how truly blessed I am to have found someone so amazing, especially in a time in my life that was so full of turmoil.

To put it in some perspective for those of you that don't know, we met at Panera. He's an assistant manager there and we worked together for a while. I got a full time job with Stillwater National Bank as a document imaging clerk, and put in my two weeks notice immediately. On my last day at Panera he asked me for number and the rest I guess is history. I never expected us. I wasn't looking for a relationship at all. My heart was still pretty broken from the last time, and I didn't think that I could handle it again. I remember very specifically on my first day of work my supervisor asked me if I was married or had a boyfriend. When I said no she said, "You aren't looking for mister right, are you?" I answered with a definite "No, not right now." I was so certain... and so I was so wrong. I think sometimes God makes things like this happen for pure entertainment value.

As far as the rest of my life goes it's been just okay. I was really excited about my new job when I started, but I don't feel fulfilled. It's definitely not a forever sort of job. I'm still looking for that certain something that fills me with passion and excitement. I know there's something out there waiting for me; I just have to find it. My eating habits have been atrocious since I started this job. I weighed myself this morning at 236.4 pounds. I am totally disgusted with that number. I re-joined weight watchers and I refuse to look back. It's beyond the point of being unacceptable and I will no longer stand for it. I also started working on my bedroom today. It has been in shambles for the better part of this year and it is hindering any and all of my productivity. I can't function when everything around me is in such a state of disarray. I know that it's going to take a long time to pull myself back together, but I am in a better place now than I have been for a long time. I feel myself getting excited for the future again and that feels nice. I won't give up; I won't back down. I'm ready to start this journey again, and I realize that there will be bumps in road, but I will power through. When I stop for a moment and look around I remember that I have a pretty spectacular support system that I so thankful for. I know that they won't let me fall.

My God is with me always, and if my God is with me whom then shall I fear?

Struggle City

There are many things that I have yet to learn about myself and the world. There are a few things, though,  that I do know. Life is not fair, nor is it easy. Hearts break for a million different reasons. Sometimes it's from unrequited love and sometimes love just isn't enough. It's sad but it's true.

I have been having a hard time lately. I think sometimes it's easier to revel in sadness than to do anything that might change it. I don't want to be who I was before I started this journey, but I can feel myself slipping back into some of my old habits, and that scares me. For a very little while everything in my life was going my way. Everything was moving in the right direction and I felt incredible in so many ways. It's kind of funny how removing just one piece of the pyramid can make the rest of it fall apart. That's exactly what happened to me, and now I'm left picking up the pieces. I don't want to be this broken mess of a person anymore. I made a commitment to myself and to all of you that I would become the person that I have always wanted to be. I'm still not completely sure who that person is. I know that happiness does not come from another person, but from within. It's just so difficult for me to try and understand why all of this has happened. I know that it isn't my place to know that. It's in God's hands, and He knows a hell of a lot more than I do. That is for sure. I know that in the end I will look back on this time in my life and it will make sense. I'll be able to look back with no regrets. But the truth is: right now, as silly or stupid as it may be, I miss the boy. When he was around everything seemed so much easier, and now that he's not everything seems impossible. I told myself when he left that I couldn't let it break me apart. I told myself that it would make me stronger. I said it was for the best. I continue to tell myself that if it is meant to be then, eventually, it will. I feel ridiculous saying all of these things, but they are all true.

Sometimes I feel happy for a while, but it doesn't ever seem to last. I'm just waiting for the day that that changes. I'm working on being that change. I know that I need to make big adjustments in my life still. I especially need to get my eating habits back on track. I need to make working out a bigger priority too, because it always makes me feel better.  I am working on trying to get my finances in order. I think that once I finally lose the weight that I might like to be a personal trainer. That probably seems odd to people looking at me now, but I really do love working out (even though I sometimes fall off the workout wagon). I  believe that once I get there I could be an inspiration to other people. Hopefully next year I'll be able to return to school. This isn't a for sure thing. I'm not saying that I've found my "calling". I think it's a possibility and something that I could enjoy. I'm not planning on making any hard decisions there, at least until this year is over.

I've always had a hard time letting go of things, this of course is no different. I'm still sad, but I'm working through it. I'm having a hard time, but I'm hopeful for the future.

Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been?

The past couple of months feel completely surreal. I can hardly believe that this is actually my life. Honestly, none of it feels real. It's hard to know even where to begin, but I want to be as honest as I have always said I'd be, and I really need an outlet for all of this.

If you know me in real life you know that I have always been kind of romantically challenged. There have been plenty of guys that I liked or vice versa, but I never really found anyone that I had a connection with. Not too long ago I started seeing someone that changed that. He is tall, and gorgeous, and amazing. He is always smiling, and always making me smile. He is the kind of person that I have always hoped to find. Things with us although not "official" were going  really well, until he moved a couple of weeks ago. It was very sudden; not something that he had been planning, but it was something that I understand he had to do. We talked about "us" and agreed that long distance wasn't something that was going to work. He told me that he knew we'd see each other again. I feel the same way. It's been really hard on me, even though it was just the beginning. I feel kind of silly about it all, but I can't help myself. Everything in my life had been going well. I was losing weight and feeling great about my life, and he was icing on the cake. Now I feel like I've completely lost all of the progress that I had begun to make. I've been emotional eating badly, and not exercising regularly at all. It's put me back a month on my weight loss, and that only makes me feel worse. I think all of my friends think that I've gone crazy, and maybe I have. I miss him more than I care to admit, and everyone notices that I've been different since he's gone. I sort of feel like I've lost myself to this sadness. This lack of understanding. I can't for the life of me wrap my head around why God brought us together if He was just going to pull us apart before we even had a chance to really get started. I'm sure that I'm over-thinking this, because that's what I'm best at. I know that I need to put this in the past though. I know that I need to accept the fact that, at least for the time being, it's over. I've never been the best at moving on, and knowing that this was just the beginning for us is not helping to give me any closure.

It's not just about the boy, though. It's just that him leaving has reminded me how confused I am about all of the other areas of my life. I still don't know what I want to do when I "grow up". I know that I am a writer. But that isn't going to pay the bills. Should I go back to school? If I do, should I move forward with creative writing? Or switch to early childhood education, or journalism, or photography? Or should I go to cosmetology school? Or would I be interested in a career in the medical field? Should I stay in Oklahoma? Or does my heart belong elsewhere? There are so many decisions to make and I don't feel equipped to make a single one of them. I know that this year was supposed to be about getting healthy, and I still want to do that, but I feel like all of these decisions are pressing. I don't know how to handle it all. It's just too much.

I have to stop myself from letting this all tear me apart. I have found strength in myself that I did not know that I had. I know that God has a plan for me, even though I can't see it, and I don't understand it at all. I need to work on counting my blessings. God has blessed me with an incredibly supportive and loving family that I have taken for granted for a lot of my life. I am so grateful for them. I also have some pretty amazing friends, and sometimes I let my own selfishness get in the way of our friendship. For that I am so sorry. I am going to keep working on moving forward, and trying to find the happiness that my amazing mother tells me about. I thought I had found it for a little while, but I think that was just the tip of the iceberg. For all of the terrible and painful things in this world there is more beauty in it. We all just need to work on focusing on that beauty, and lighting up the world with our own magic.

Still Searching

Honestly, there is a lost of chaos in my life at the moment, and in a lot of ways I am sort of lost. I am very conflicted about what I should do so far as a career, and education. My finances are pretty atrocious. I don't have a clue where I will be living a year from now. Despite all of that, this is the healthiest I have been in my adult life, and to be honest this is the happiest that I have been ever. I have spent a lot of my life trying to hide my sadness from my friends and family, but for the first time I don't have to do that. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I've never been happy before. It used to be that I could only be happy in the moment, but the feeling that I have now isn't fleeting. It isn't something temporary, like the flash of a camera or a cloud passing by. This is real, tangible, visible joy. My friends have all noticed, and I have to say it's amazing.


This week I reached the twenty pound mark. I only have about a pound and a half until I can get my tattoo!  I still have a lot more weight to lose, and in some ways it feels impossible that I'll ever get there, although LoseIt says I will be there by December. My eating the past week or two hasn't been the best, but I'm still doing a lot better than I had been. I also haven't really worked out in a while, which is obviously an issue. Now that the semester is over I am planning on going walking with Kylla a few times a week. I really want to get the point where I can run, like marathons. I read an article that walking everyday for two weeks is the way to start, so that's what I am going to do. Losing weight has made me so much more confident, and excited about being alive. I feel invincible, and free. I have never felt this way before. I feel like an entirely different person, in the best possible way.


I still have bad days. Sometimes I just want to fall down and die. Lately though, those bad days have been fewer and farther between. I smile all the time, and it's real. I am actually happy. Can you believe it? I hardly can. Sometimes I wonder when I am going to wake up from this dream, but I still haven't yet. I have gotten lots of compliments about my appearance from coworkers and friends, and I've gotten attention from guys. There are so many things that I want to do now that I am beginning to feel better about myself. I want to spend more time writing and reading, and less time watching television. I want to go out and meet people, and spend more time doing things with my friends. I just feel like the possibilities are endless. I think that the most important thing for me right now is to get healthy in every aspect of my life. I believe that that is what God wants from me right now. I have been so weak for so long, but He has given me the strength to rise up again. I know that I have a long, hard road ahead of me still, but for the first time in my life I am certain that I am going to make it. I don't have everything figured out, and yes that can be very scary, but faith has given me peace with that uncertainty.

Learning To Fall

I'm not quite sure what's going on in my head right now. I guess I'm having one of those nights when everything just feels like it's falling apart. I can't wrap my head around how I'm going to get to a place of financial stability. I don't know what I want to do with my life, and I am completely overwhelmed. Even though I have decided to take time away from school I feel like I don't have the time to do that. I know that I'm still really young, but I feel so much pressure to have everything figured out by this point. Most of my friends here are in school and will be graduating next year. That was supposed to be me. I was supposed to come to school and get straight As. I was supposed to work my ass off, and go to Grad school after four years here. I was supposed to move to New York or LA and become a famous writer. Now I don't even know where I'll be a year from now. I'm terrified that I'm not going to be able to make it, and I just have no idea what I'm doing with myself. I'm proud that I'm losing weight and I think it has helped to give me a lot of confidence, but a big part of me feels like it's too little too late. Why couldn't I have done this three years ago? I find myself far too often wishing for a time machine. I know that I can't change the past, but God knows I have so many regrets. I am so angry with myself for the decisions that I have made since I graduated from High School. Even before that. I got into Boston University and NYU for goodness sake! I let so much of my life be ruled by fear. I don't want to be that person anymore but I'm afraid that it's too late. I know that God has a plan for me, and maybe I'm just not listening hard enough, but I have no idea what it is right now. I thought that I was meant to be a teacher. Maybe I still am. Honestly, I don't know. I'm so confused about everything in my life. I just hope that I can figure it out in time, because I don't know where I will end up once everyone I know (including my roommate) moves away from Stillwater.
As far as romance goes? I know I probably shouldn't be focusing on this at all because I have so much other craziness in my life, but I can't seem to help myself. When I start to have feelings for someone I let myself get carried away. I don't really know how to get the ball rolling, but I am trying to. I probably shouldn't be. It would probably be an unnecessary distraction. I shouldn't need another person to make me feel complete. I should be able to get there on my own. Maybe it's just because I haven't had a real relationship but I feel like it would just make everything easier. Or at least less scary.
Truthfully, I feel like a crazy person most of the time. I frustrate myself with my indecision and obsessiveness. Sometimes I don't know how I even have friends. I know that I need to put my trust in the Lord, but I am having a hard time, especially today. It's scary not to know what direction my life is moving in. I don't know whether or not I'm headed the right way. I feel lost, but I know that He is with me. I know there is nothing to fear, but I am afraid. I am so weak, but I know that He is with me. I have these huge dreams in my head, but I don't know how to make them real. I think I have just hit a rough spot on the mountain. I think I'm just so tired, but I know that I can make it. I know that once I get there it will all be worth it. I just have to stay strong. I just have to hold on to faith.

Choosing

For as long as I have been breathing other people have been making my decisions for me. I have always felt like I am being pulled in ten different directions by family, friends, and co-workers. I have always allowed other peoples' opinions, beliefs, and desires to dictate my life. Not anymore. I am making a choice here and now, and I choose me.

Ever since I was a little girl I have known that I wanted to go to college. It was never a decision that I had to make, but an expectation that I felt had to meet. Maybe a lot of the pressure to succeed in school came from myself, but I honestly believed that if I didn't get the best grades I would be letting my entire family down. I was always the good kid. I tried my best to follow the rules and my make my parents proud. I grew up in a house with three brothers, two of which have ADHD. Both of my parents worked full time, and as my dad was in the Navy he was away from home a lot. I don't blame my parents for making the decisions that they had to make, but at times it was a struggle to get the attention that I craved. My brothers acted out, but I sought attention through school. In middle school and high school (for the most part) it was easy to get good grades. I never understood why people took time off after high school, or why they went to community colleges instead of universities. I certainly never expected for everyday life to cripple my educational success. So when it happened, I tried to ignore it. I told myself that I could pull through, even when I knew it wasn't possible. I didn't want to disappoint my parents, or grandparents. I'm the first person in my family to go to a university, and it felt like a failure to be struggling with school, so I tried to pretend that everything was okay when it wasn't.

Now that I am getting older, I realize that I have to try to figure out who I am in this world, and who God wants me to be. I know now that I have to let go of all of the pressure to meet the expectations of other people. I have been so busy trying to figure out what I want, and how to meet the needs of my family that I have been deaf to Him. For a while now, I think, He has been telling me to take some time to figure out what I need out of life. Now I am finally hearing Him. I have decided to take a break from school. I don’t know right now when I will be ready to go back, but I do know that I want to finish school and get a degree. I wish that I could go back and change all of the mistakes that I have made, but I can’t. All that I can do now is try to move forward and that is exactly what I am doing. I need to take this time off from school so that I can get to a place of emotional and physical health. I don’t know what I want to do with my life and that has made school harder too. I hope that this time off will give me some clarity. I’m sorry for not being honest about all of this sooner, especially to my family. The truth is that I never wanted to disappoint any of them, but I know that is part of life. I hope that taking this time off will help me to become that person that I want to be; the person that He wants me to be. Making this decision means that there are a lot of unknowns about my life and my future. It's scary not to have a plan of my own, but I know that as long as I trust in my God that He will take me where I need to go. There have been so many times in my short life that I have been ready to just fall down and die, but I am stronger now, and I am ready to fight.

By the way, I have lost seven pounds so far. If you want to keep up with my weight loss journey in more detail check out my diet and exercise blog See Gordita Eat. See Guerita Run. Feel free to share your stories and opinion on either site, I would love to hear from you!

Moving Forward

This is completely overdue, but I am finally making a plan to get myself into shape. Yesterday I went to the Colvin with Emily and Destinee, and the three of us have created a workout schedule. Even though I have only worked out for two days I already feel a difference in my body and in my mind. I feel much stronger than I have in the past, and I feel that this is a change that I am capable of making. My starting weight is approximately 241 pounds. As terribly high as that number is, it is not the heaviest that I have been. The good news, I suppose, is that I'm 5'10" and I carry my weight well. I don't think that I actually look as heavy as I am, but I am definitely ready to see some smaller numbers on the scale. My main goal is really just to get to a physical and emotional place of healthiness, and to feel comfortable in my own skin. I want to gain confidence and feel strong in every aspect of my life.

I'm starting a food and exercise journal (See Gordita Eat. See Guerita Run.) where I plan to post pictures of my progress, as well as track my goals. Please feel free to check it out, share with friends, and let me know about your own weight loss stories!

This Ain't A Fairy Tale

There aren't many things that you can count on in this world, but there are two questions that I can count on being asked nearly every day at work. The first is whether or not my name is actually "Lizabeth", which it is. The second is if I am from Oklahoma, which I am not. When I tell people that I'm from San Diego they are always curious how I ended up here. Sometimes, I myself find it surprising that I am so far from the golden coast, and that I have been for three and a half years.

When I was sixteen years old I found out that my family would be moving to Oklahoma. This news was not softened by the fact that this was our duty as a military family, or that we hadn't previously had any big moves. What my parents didn't understand was that for the first time in my life I felt that I had found a group of people that I belonged to. My friends at that time were people that I wanted to know for the rest of my life, we lived two miles from the beach, and there was a gorgeous cherry tree directly outside of my bedroom window. I'm not trying to glamorize California living, I had the same problems that any teenager has, but I remember having a sense of home there. Adjusting to life in rural Oklahoma when you are used to life in a laid back, liberal beach town was just as hard as you might imagine. The fact that this move took place just as my Senior year was beginning did not make it any easier. My classmates were people that had spent their entire lives together. I went from walking half a mile to school each morning, to riding a bus with kids ages four to nineteen. People at Dibble High School were welcoming and kind. I felt grateful to become a part of such a close knit community, but at the same time I never felt that I truly belonged there. Even though I met a lot of really nice people, I never made any long lasting friendships. I didn't hang out with people outside of school, and I felt like an outsider because, frankly, I was one.

That fall our class went to a college fair. Most of the schools that had booths there were small or community colleges. All of my classmates and the people that I saw there were excited about these Oklahoma schools. It didn't make any sense to me, and I thought it was sad that they didn't have any aspiration or even think it a possibility to go to college out of state. All that I could think of was how much I wanted to get out of Oklahoma. I felt certain that if I went to college here that I would get stuck. Flash forward to today and here I am in Stillwater, Oklahoma in my third year at Oklahoma State University. I applied to eight schools my Senior year. I was accepted to five and wait listed at another. I could have gone to school in Boston, New York, Michigan, or Iowa, but somehow I ended up here. For the past couple of years I have felt remorse at my decision, partly because it was based in fear of the unknown. Today I'm not completely sure how I feel about it. The life that I'm living is not everything I ever dreamed of. It isn't what I expected. It doesn't look like an eighties movie or an ABC Family sitcom. It isn't a fairy tale that wraps up in "happily ever after". Prince Charming doesn't show up at the exact right moment riding a big white horse. In fact, he might not show up at all.

Moving to Oklahoma was never a part of my plan, and choosing to stay was never a choice that I expected to make, but for better or worse here I stand. I'm trying to find myself here, and find my place in this crazy world. I now have some amazing people that I am so happy to have in my life, that I might have never known some place else. Living in the Bible belt has brought me closer to God, and oddly has made me more liberal than I was in California. I know that I'm still very young, and that I still have a lot to learn, but my faith is strong, and I believe that God has a plan for me; for us all. I may not see the point of it all now, but I know that there is a higher purpose, and that He has something incredible in store for me.

All My Secrets Away

It's five o' clock in the morning, and I know that I should be asleep, but I can't seem to get my mind to turn off. I have been telling myself for a very long time that I am going to change. I always say, "Today's the day I start my life." I am twenty years old, and for twenty years I have been dead. For twenty years I have tried, and often succeeded in concealing my depression and anxiety. In this moment I am making a step towards progress; towards change. I'm not saying this is when my life is going to begin. I'm not saying that it's going to be easy, or that it will magically be different over night, but here in this moment I am choosing to put everything out on the table. Okay. I have to be honest, I probably won't put everything on the table, because after all I'm only human.

The truth is, as I have said before, I am struggling. I try not to talk about things that bother me with my friends and family because I don't want anyone to worry about me. I think that I do more than enough worrying for all of us. I've spent years just thinking about how badly I have fucked up my life, and in the process things have only gotten worse. Probably because I haven't really done all that much to make any real substantial changes. I'm not sure that I know how to change. I have had tunnel vision for such a long time that it's hard to think of any other way of living. I believe in my heart that I want to change, I just have to find a way to do that. I just have to find a way to let go of my past and look towards the future. I suppose that the best way to do that is to be truly open and honest and admit some things that I am not very proud of.

College has been a constant struggle for me. My brain does not turn off at night, instead it goes on a crazy hunt for the meaning of life and just keeps rambling on and on and on... Each night I seem to end up staying up even later than the night before. There have been times that I haven't gone to bed until the sun has started to come up. During most of my first two years of college I spent my late nights awake watching TV and eating. During my freshman year I ate several cartons of Ben & Jerry's ice cream a week. I indulged in pizza rolls and potato skins. Anything that I could easily make in the microwave in our dorm room I ate. In doing so I gained thirty pounds, if not more, in about the time span of a semester. I have made some improvements since then. I don't eat nearly as much as I did then, however too often I end up having full meals at midnight, even one o' clock in the morning. I guess it's a pretty common reason for obesity. I ate because I was bored, or because I was sad, or both, or neither. Because I ate I got fatter, and because I was fat I was sad, and so I ate some more. I also stopped going to class because I couldn't wake up in the mornings. I would sleep for eleven hours sometimes, and still it wasn't enough sleep. Again, in this I have made some improvements, but I am in no way doing the best that I possibly could be.

I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I feel like I'm falling apart. I feel horribly guilty for feeling this way, because I know that there are plenty of people in this world who have it a lot worse than I do. I think I just have to keep telling myself to take it all one day at a time. One step at a time..