All My Secrets Away

It's five o' clock in the morning, and I know that I should be asleep, but I can't seem to get my mind to turn off. I have been telling myself for a very long time that I am going to change. I always say, "Today's the day I start my life." I am twenty years old, and for twenty years I have been dead. For twenty years I have tried, and often succeeded in concealing my depression and anxiety. In this moment I am making a step towards progress; towards change. I'm not saying this is when my life is going to begin. I'm not saying that it's going to be easy, or that it will magically be different over night, but here in this moment I am choosing to put everything out on the table. Okay. I have to be honest, I probably won't put everything on the table, because after all I'm only human.

The truth is, as I have said before, I am struggling. I try not to talk about things that bother me with my friends and family because I don't want anyone to worry about me. I think that I do more than enough worrying for all of us. I've spent years just thinking about how badly I have fucked up my life, and in the process things have only gotten worse. Probably because I haven't really done all that much to make any real substantial changes. I'm not sure that I know how to change. I have had tunnel vision for such a long time that it's hard to think of any other way of living. I believe in my heart that I want to change, I just have to find a way to do that. I just have to find a way to let go of my past and look towards the future. I suppose that the best way to do that is to be truly open and honest and admit some things that I am not very proud of.

College has been a constant struggle for me. My brain does not turn off at night, instead it goes on a crazy hunt for the meaning of life and just keeps rambling on and on and on... Each night I seem to end up staying up even later than the night before. There have been times that I haven't gone to bed until the sun has started to come up. During most of my first two years of college I spent my late nights awake watching TV and eating. During my freshman year I ate several cartons of Ben & Jerry's ice cream a week. I indulged in pizza rolls and potato skins. Anything that I could easily make in the microwave in our dorm room I ate. In doing so I gained thirty pounds, if not more, in about the time span of a semester. I have made some improvements since then. I don't eat nearly as much as I did then, however too often I end up having full meals at midnight, even one o' clock in the morning. I guess it's a pretty common reason for obesity. I ate because I was bored, or because I was sad, or both, or neither. Because I ate I got fatter, and because I was fat I was sad, and so I ate some more. I also stopped going to class because I couldn't wake up in the mornings. I would sleep for eleven hours sometimes, and still it wasn't enough sleep. Again, in this I have made some improvements, but I am in no way doing the best that I possibly could be.

I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I feel like I'm falling apart. I feel horribly guilty for feeling this way, because I know that there are plenty of people in this world who have it a lot worse than I do. I think I just have to keep telling myself to take it all one day at a time. One step at a time..