Choosing

For as long as I have been breathing other people have been making my decisions for me. I have always felt like I am being pulled in ten different directions by family, friends, and co-workers. I have always allowed other peoples' opinions, beliefs, and desires to dictate my life. Not anymore. I am making a choice here and now, and I choose me.

Ever since I was a little girl I have known that I wanted to go to college. It was never a decision that I had to make, but an expectation that I felt had to meet. Maybe a lot of the pressure to succeed in school came from myself, but I honestly believed that if I didn't get the best grades I would be letting my entire family down. I was always the good kid. I tried my best to follow the rules and my make my parents proud. I grew up in a house with three brothers, two of which have ADHD. Both of my parents worked full time, and as my dad was in the Navy he was away from home a lot. I don't blame my parents for making the decisions that they had to make, but at times it was a struggle to get the attention that I craved. My brothers acted out, but I sought attention through school. In middle school and high school (for the most part) it was easy to get good grades. I never understood why people took time off after high school, or why they went to community colleges instead of universities. I certainly never expected for everyday life to cripple my educational success. So when it happened, I tried to ignore it. I told myself that I could pull through, even when I knew it wasn't possible. I didn't want to disappoint my parents, or grandparents. I'm the first person in my family to go to a university, and it felt like a failure to be struggling with school, so I tried to pretend that everything was okay when it wasn't.

Now that I am getting older, I realize that I have to try to figure out who I am in this world, and who God wants me to be. I know now that I have to let go of all of the pressure to meet the expectations of other people. I have been so busy trying to figure out what I want, and how to meet the needs of my family that I have been deaf to Him. For a while now, I think, He has been telling me to take some time to figure out what I need out of life. Now I am finally hearing Him. I have decided to take a break from school. I don’t know right now when I will be ready to go back, but I do know that I want to finish school and get a degree. I wish that I could go back and change all of the mistakes that I have made, but I can’t. All that I can do now is try to move forward and that is exactly what I am doing. I need to take this time off from school so that I can get to a place of emotional and physical health. I don’t know what I want to do with my life and that has made school harder too. I hope that this time off will give me some clarity. I’m sorry for not being honest about all of this sooner, especially to my family. The truth is that I never wanted to disappoint any of them, but I know that is part of life. I hope that taking this time off will help me to become that person that I want to be; the person that He wants me to be. Making this decision means that there are a lot of unknowns about my life and my future. It's scary not to have a plan of my own, but I know that as long as I trust in my God that He will take me where I need to go. There have been so many times in my short life that I have been ready to just fall down and die, but I am stronger now, and I am ready to fight.

By the way, I have lost seven pounds so far. If you want to keep up with my weight loss journey in more detail check out my diet and exercise blog See Gordita Eat. See Guerita Run. Feel free to share your stories and opinion on either site, I would love to hear from you!