Learning To Fall

I'm not quite sure what's going on in my head right now. I guess I'm having one of those nights when everything just feels like it's falling apart. I can't wrap my head around how I'm going to get to a place of financial stability. I don't know what I want to do with my life, and I am completely overwhelmed. Even though I have decided to take time away from school I feel like I don't have the time to do that. I know that I'm still really young, but I feel so much pressure to have everything figured out by this point. Most of my friends here are in school and will be graduating next year. That was supposed to be me. I was supposed to come to school and get straight As. I was supposed to work my ass off, and go to Grad school after four years here. I was supposed to move to New York or LA and become a famous writer. Now I don't even know where I'll be a year from now. I'm terrified that I'm not going to be able to make it, and I just have no idea what I'm doing with myself. I'm proud that I'm losing weight and I think it has helped to give me a lot of confidence, but a big part of me feels like it's too little too late. Why couldn't I have done this three years ago? I find myself far too often wishing for a time machine. I know that I can't change the past, but God knows I have so many regrets. I am so angry with myself for the decisions that I have made since I graduated from High School. Even before that. I got into Boston University and NYU for goodness sake! I let so much of my life be ruled by fear. I don't want to be that person anymore but I'm afraid that it's too late. I know that God has a plan for me, and maybe I'm just not listening hard enough, but I have no idea what it is right now. I thought that I was meant to be a teacher. Maybe I still am. Honestly, I don't know. I'm so confused about everything in my life. I just hope that I can figure it out in time, because I don't know where I will end up once everyone I know (including my roommate) moves away from Stillwater.
As far as romance goes? I know I probably shouldn't be focusing on this at all because I have so much other craziness in my life, but I can't seem to help myself. When I start to have feelings for someone I let myself get carried away. I don't really know how to get the ball rolling, but I am trying to. I probably shouldn't be. It would probably be an unnecessary distraction. I shouldn't need another person to make me feel complete. I should be able to get there on my own. Maybe it's just because I haven't had a real relationship but I feel like it would just make everything easier. Or at least less scary.
Truthfully, I feel like a crazy person most of the time. I frustrate myself with my indecision and obsessiveness. Sometimes I don't know how I even have friends. I know that I need to put my trust in the Lord, but I am having a hard time, especially today. It's scary not to know what direction my life is moving in. I don't know whether or not I'm headed the right way. I feel lost, but I know that He is with me. I know there is nothing to fear, but I am afraid. I am so weak, but I know that He is with me. I have these huge dreams in my head, but I don't know how to make them real. I think I have just hit a rough spot on the mountain. I think I'm just so tired, but I know that I can make it. I know that once I get there it will all be worth it. I just have to stay strong. I just have to hold on to faith.