All For Naught?

Sometimes in life everything feels like a waste of time. I too often wonder to myself about the point of it all. I feel useless, and helpless, and broken. I'm not sure how I got this way, although I suppose maybe it's something that has always been. My life feels out of my hands. It's as though my life is something that is just happening to me rather than something I have control over.

I know that I am blessed. I think that's what keeps me going each day. I know there are plenty of people out there that struggle for the basic necessities like food and water and shelter. I know that in the grand scheme of things I have absolutely no right to be unhappy. And yet... I am. I hate feeling this way, but slowly I am coming to realize that it isn't something that I can just get over.

Last week Andy was sick with a pretty awful bacterial infection. I brought him medicine and did my best to comfort him while he was feeling badly. He finally ended up going to the doctor for a second time and getting a steroid shot which seemed to make him feel better. That day I went over his house to continue babying my sick bear, but he ended up taking care of me instead. It had been a rough week for me. Nothing particularly atrocious had happened. It was just the culmination of too many hormones and too much thinking. We drove to the pharmacy to get his medicine and I was a mess in the car. He was straight up with me, telling me that I have severe mood swings and that it's pretty obvious that I have depression. He reminded me that it's not something I can control it's my head, and that I need to get help. I know this is something I have been talking about for a while, but I guess I have yet to seek help because that means I am admitting that I really have a problem. In truth I'm afraid of what a psychologist might tell me. I wonder if my problems are more serious than I know.

I hope that someday soon I will be strong enough to seek the help that I so desperately need. Until then I am fortunate enough to have an amazing boyfriend that holds me when I cry, incredible friends that put up with my incessant whining, and a wonderful family that stands behind me no matter what mistakes I make. God has blessed my life so completely. I wonder how I can possibly be depressed. I have prayed for so long for strength, and I know that He is only making me stronger. I know that He loves me more than I can ever know, and I am so thankful for that.