Winning and Losing

It seems as though I've "began again" a million times. It's been almost a year since I last posted saying that things would be different this time. Since then I've gained twenty pounds, and I'm now the heaviest I've ever been. I have to travel a lot for work now and that certainly did not help me on my journey to wellness.

I have a problem. I love to eat. When I'm sad, when I'm happy, and even when I'm bored. I like to eat fruits and vegetables, cheese, bread, and ice cream. It doesn't really matter what. Sometimes it doesn't even have to taste good. Sometimes I just need something to do with my hands, or something to chew on. I can't just do one thing at once. Eating is a very easy way to keep busy. This has always been a problem for me, but when your job is paying for you to eat out, and you're too tired to cook when you get home from work, well that doesn't help.

So here's the deal I'm going to start losing weight again. Note that I did not say "trying to lose weight again". I know, I know I've said this a million times before. I am not going to claim that this time is different I'm not going to say this is the time that counts. I 'm just going to do it. Day in, day out. I'm going to work my ass off, literally. I don't care that I've said all of this before. None of that matters. What matters is here and now. I am strong and I am capable. This is about more than vanity. This is about my health and my sanity. This is about doing what is best for me, and for my family. This is about fighting. This is about surviving this awful disease called depression. This is for me. I can do this. I will do this. I am stronger than you could ever know.

So here's the plan:
I currently weigh 276.6 pounds. My goal is to weigh 215 pounds by April 17, 2015. This gives me 49 weeks to lose 61.6 pounds. At 255 pounds I'll reward myself with a mini make-up shopping spree. At 235 I'll reward myself with a new wallet. At my goal weight (obviously) I'll buy new clothes! As a little bonus Andy promised if I lose 60 pounds that he will get a tattoo!

I think that one of the reasons I've had trouble in the past because my goals have always felt just out of reach. I'm a big girl. I always have been, and I always will be. Trying to get down to 165 pounds is not a reasonable goal for me at this time. I need to begin to love and accept my body the way that it is. I want to get to a healthier weight, but I do not need to be a stick figure. I am curvy, and that is just fine. I want to have a healthy body that can move with ease. That is my goal here. Will I sometimes make mistakes? Of course I will. Will I sometimes eat an entire pint of Ben and Jerry's? Probably. That's okay. As long as I remember that one misstep does not equal failure. Taking a day off from exercise does not mean that I should stop. I am going to keep moving forward. I am going to keep fighting. I will never give up. This is my life, and it is worth living. I have lots of big plans for the next year, and I am not going to let my weight get in the way of any of my plans.