Still Searching

Honestly, there is a lost of chaos in my life at the moment, and in a lot of ways I am sort of lost. I am very conflicted about what I should do so far as a career, and education. My finances are pretty atrocious. I don't have a clue where I will be living a year from now. Despite all of that, this is the healthiest I have been in my adult life, and to be honest this is the happiest that I have been ever. I have spent a lot of my life trying to hide my sadness from my friends and family, but for the first time I don't have to do that. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I've never been happy before. It used to be that I could only be happy in the moment, but the feeling that I have now isn't fleeting. It isn't something temporary, like the flash of a camera or a cloud passing by. This is real, tangible, visible joy. My friends have all noticed, and I have to say it's amazing.


This week I reached the twenty pound mark. I only have about a pound and a half until I can get my tattoo!  I still have a lot more weight to lose, and in some ways it feels impossible that I'll ever get there, although LoseIt says I will be there by December. My eating the past week or two hasn't been the best, but I'm still doing a lot better than I had been. I also haven't really worked out in a while, which is obviously an issue. Now that the semester is over I am planning on going walking with Kylla a few times a week. I really want to get the point where I can run, like marathons. I read an article that walking everyday for two weeks is the way to start, so that's what I am going to do. Losing weight has made me so much more confident, and excited about being alive. I feel invincible, and free. I have never felt this way before. I feel like an entirely different person, in the best possible way.


I still have bad days. Sometimes I just want to fall down and die. Lately though, those bad days have been fewer and farther between. I smile all the time, and it's real. I am actually happy. Can you believe it? I hardly can. Sometimes I wonder when I am going to wake up from this dream, but I still haven't yet. I have gotten lots of compliments about my appearance from coworkers and friends, and I've gotten attention from guys. There are so many things that I want to do now that I am beginning to feel better about myself. I want to spend more time writing and reading, and less time watching television. I want to go out and meet people, and spend more time doing things with my friends. I just feel like the possibilities are endless. I think that the most important thing for me right now is to get healthy in every aspect of my life. I believe that that is what God wants from me right now. I have been so weak for so long, but He has given me the strength to rise up again. I know that I have a long, hard road ahead of me still, but for the first time in my life I am certain that I am going to make it. I don't have everything figured out, and yes that can be very scary, but faith has given me peace with that uncertainty.