The past couple of months feel completely surreal. I can hardly believe that this is actually my life. Honestly, none of it feels real. It's hard to know even where to begin, but I want to be as honest as I have always said I'd be, and I really need an outlet for all of this.
If you know me in real life you know that I have always been kind of romantically challenged. There have been plenty of guys that I liked or vice versa, but I never really found anyone that I had a connection with. Not too long ago I started seeing someone that changed that. He is tall, and gorgeous, and amazing. He is always smiling, and always making me smile. He is the kind of person that I have always hoped to find. Things with us although not "official" were going really well, until he moved a couple of weeks ago. It was very sudden; not something that he had been planning, but it was something that I understand he had to do. We talked about "us" and agreed that long distance wasn't something that was going to work. He told me that he knew we'd see each other again. I feel the same way. It's been really hard on me, even though it was just the beginning. I feel kind of silly about it all, but I can't help myself. Everything in my life had been going well. I was losing weight and feeling great about my life, and he was icing on the cake. Now I feel like I've completely lost all of the progress that I had begun to make. I've been emotional eating badly, and not exercising regularly at all. It's put me back a month on my weight loss, and that only makes me feel worse. I think all of my friends think that I've gone crazy, and maybe I have. I miss him more than I care to admit, and everyone notices that I've been different since he's gone. I sort of feel like I've lost myself to this sadness. This lack of understanding. I can't for the life of me wrap my head around why God brought us together if He was just going to pull us apart before we even had a chance to really get started. I'm sure that I'm over-thinking this, because that's what I'm best at. I know that I need to put this in the past though. I know that I need to accept the fact that, at least for the time being, it's over. I've never been the best at moving on, and knowing that this was just the beginning for us is not helping to give me any closure.
It's not just about the boy, though. It's just that him leaving has reminded me how confused I am about all of the other areas of my life. I still don't know what I want to do when I "grow up". I know that I am a writer. But that isn't going to pay the bills. Should I go back to school? If I do, should I move forward with creative writing? Or switch to early childhood education, or journalism, or photography? Or should I go to cosmetology school? Or would I be interested in a career in the medical field? Should I stay in Oklahoma? Or does my heart belong elsewhere? There are so many decisions to make and I don't feel equipped to make a single one of them. I know that this year was supposed to be about getting healthy, and I still want to do that, but I feel like all of these decisions are pressing. I don't know how to handle it all. It's just too much.
I have to stop myself from letting this all tear me apart. I have found strength in myself that I did not know that I had. I know that God has a plan for me, even though I can't see it, and I don't understand it at all. I need to work on counting my blessings. God has blessed me with an incredibly supportive and loving family that I have taken for granted for a lot of my life. I am so grateful for them. I also have some pretty amazing friends, and sometimes I let my own selfishness get in the way of our friendship. For that I am so sorry. I am going to keep working on moving forward, and trying to find the happiness that my amazing mother tells me about. I thought I had found it for a little while, but I think that was just the tip of the iceberg. For all of the terrible and painful things in this world there is more beauty in it. We all just need to work on focusing on that beauty, and lighting up the world with our own magic.
