I have been having a hard time lately. I think sometimes it's easier to revel in sadness than to do anything that might change it. I don't want to be who I was before I started this journey, but I can feel myself slipping back into some of my old habits, and that scares me. For a very little while everything in my life was going my way. Everything was moving in the right direction and I felt incredible in so many ways. It's kind of funny how removing just one piece of the pyramid can make the rest of it fall apart. That's exactly what happened to me, and now I'm left picking up the pieces. I don't want to be this broken mess of a person anymore. I made a commitment to myself and to all of you that I would become the person that I have always wanted to be. I'm still not completely sure who that person is. I know that happiness does not come from another person, but from within. It's just so difficult for me to try and understand why all of this has happened. I know that it isn't my place to know that. It's in God's hands, and He knows a hell of a lot more than I do. That is for sure. I know that in the end I will look back on this time in my life and it will make sense. I'll be able to look back with no regrets. But the truth is: right now, as silly or stupid as it may be, I miss the boy. When he was around everything seemed so much easier, and now that he's not everything seems impossible. I told myself when he left that I couldn't let it break me apart. I told myself that it would make me stronger. I said it was for the best. I continue to tell myself that if it is meant to be then, eventually, it will. I feel ridiculous saying all of these things, but they are all true.
Sometimes I feel happy for a while, but it doesn't ever seem to last. I'm just waiting for the day that that changes. I'm working on being that change. I know that I need to make big adjustments in my life still. I especially need to get my eating habits back on track. I need to make working out a bigger priority too, because it always makes me feel better. I am working on trying to get my finances in order. I think that once I finally lose the weight that I might like to be a personal trainer. That probably seems odd to people looking at me now, but I really do love working out (even though I sometimes fall off the workout wagon). I believe that once I get there I could be an inspiration to other people. Hopefully next year I'll be able to return to school. This isn't a for sure thing. I'm not saying that I've found my "calling". I think it's a possibility and something that I could enjoy. I'm not planning on making any hard decisions there, at least until this year is over.
I've always had a hard time letting go of things, this of course is no different. I'm still sad, but I'm working through it. I'm having a hard time, but I'm hopeful for the future.
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